What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?
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“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture
boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!
Top names for pet grasshopper:
• Jerry Springer
• hoptimus prime
• Legatron
• Jumpford & sons
• meredith
• billy BOIIIING thorton
• beyouncé
*pronounces fake like saké*
I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
lawyer: juror number 4 why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism
Pretty sure they’re naming prescription drugs by just grabbing random Scrabble tiles.
“Ask your doctor if Qdilrox is right for you.”
My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.
Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.
Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it
[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth
YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how there’s three zeros after that decimal point but whateve…
Oh
Meth is short for Elizameth.
The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn
Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad
Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.
Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.
He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done