You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
You Might Also Like
{first day in prison}
Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.
If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.
Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.
You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet
Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.
Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!
As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!
[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’ALL week.
Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s rainingNeil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*
Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.
Him: Why’d you shave it off?
Me: I just told you…
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.
Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”
[taking the last bite of a big meal]
date: what would you like to do next
me: poop
When life gives you lemons, worship the elder Gods. Take candy from a baby. Drink from a trough of blood. Who cares? None of this matters
[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?
Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.