Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
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I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
God: you’re a seabird.
Puffin: can I fly?
God: oh course you can fly you’re a bird aren’t you?
Puffin: oh good.
God: omg can you even imagine being a bird that can’t fly?
Puffin: I know right? lol.
Penguin: [under breath] don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.
salesman: you’ll like this car
me: how many dogs fit in it
salesman: how many what
me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before
It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”
My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.
“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*
To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.
ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you
Hey guys if anyone was thinking about asking me to cut their hair I’d strongly encourage against it and any further questions on that can be directed to my boyfriend who is now, as of 20 minutes ago, for reasons no one can quite pinpoint, more or less bald
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?
My 2 year old asked me for potato and kept getting mad at me when I gave her potatoes to eat.
It took a good 20 minute meltdown before I figured out that she calls play-doh potato.
Learning a new language has been hard for both of us.
Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!
Chocolate Cake: …..
Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.
Jesus said if a man strikes you, to turn the other cheek
…but the rest of the instructions are, plant foot, use your legs and throw a right hook back!!
– my Dad
When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
Me: So how old were you when you hacked your first person?
Friend: 6th grade
Me: Wow, you were good with computers early on in life.
Friend: Computers?
[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.
whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.