Can Twitter come up with relationship statuses like FB?
-Married and spouse knows about account
-Married but acts single
-Single and getting some
-Single and jealous of people getting some
-Registered sex offender
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I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?
Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.
Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned
i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus
90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”
I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.
*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:
I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?
My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.
My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
Hoping my son just tells me he knows I’m the tooth fairy so I don’t break my back trying to ninja this dollar under his pillow tonight
I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.
Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!
Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger
“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”
Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.
“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.