When I pack too much for a short trip.
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My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.
Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.
“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.
Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.
Doc: I have bad news about your test results
Me: oh man did I fail
Doc: not that kind of test
Me: so I passed?
Doc: no but you will in a week
Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle
WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone
[3am]
Me:
My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises
I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.
“Why’s that?”
Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.
If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
that lip filler tho
[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees
Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.
My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”
Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Girl: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it
This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:
Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.