*BF walks in on me surrounded by dozens of empty Reddi Whip cans*
ARE YOU HUFFING AEROSOL?
Me- *Mouth full of whip cream* –
Yeff
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All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
My husband and I took our dog Ruckus ride and when he turned down a road with huge potholes I said, “ouch” and a few seconds later he said I’M SO SORRY RUCKUS, I’M TRYING TO AVOID THE HOLES!
I hope one day to find someone who loves me as much as my husband loves the dog.
me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]
the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful
me: it can be
Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?
Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.
Her: I forgot. I already ate.
H: I’m going to the store.
M: Why don’t you take my truck?
[3 hrs later]
H: Your truck was out of gas, the tires needed air and it needed an oil change.
M: You don’t say? Huh, weird. *sips wine*
Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple
Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back
16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
At the grocery. Wearing my mask. Lady behind me, snarky & loud enough to make sure I heard, “don’t guess she realizes that stupid mask won’t do any good.” Me: “Honey, I’m an off duty nurse, I’m wearing it to protect YOU. But, I can take it off if you’d like.” She practically ran.
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
Officer there’s nothing in my trun.. [hundreds of dead tamagotchis fall out. The younger cop vomits]
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.
“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.
[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.
When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.
[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.
Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after
My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.
Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.