I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.
Business is booming.
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My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ
Defendant: What?
Me: I rest my case, your Honor.
Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant
ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before
DATE: Are you having deja vu?
ME: No I’m having the chicken
I told the kids they’ve stressed me out so much I burst a vessel in my eye, so they brought me a plate of cheese.
I was hoping for a clean kitchen but I am disarmingly soothed.
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.
I disagree. Me:
Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.
The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production
People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
Humans in sci-fi: Stupid artificial beings LOL. They don’t have FEELINGS, so you can treat them like SHIT
Humans in real life: I put googly eyes on my toaster. His name is James now, and I will protect him with my LIFE
Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.
I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”