[flash mob in front of me & my girl]
[I join in then kneel down gasping]
“Will you..”
“YES!… YE..”
“grab me a smoothie from Jamba Juice?”
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[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
When your messy bun is really a sloppy bun so your hair keeps tickling your ear and you keep slapping yourself upside the head because it might be a bug even though deep down you know it’s your stupid hair. That’s what today has been like.
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
[phone call]
Prank caller: Hi, I’d like to speak to Agood Boi
Receptionist: who’s Agood Boi?
Prank caller: lol *tail goes nuts*
I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
The glory of fall.
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
Me pre-milkshake: Oohh! I’m gonna have a milkshake!
Me post-milkshake: I feel like hell and wish I were dead.
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”
Job interview…
Interviewer “On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery.”
“That’s correct.”
“Would you like to elaborate?”
“No.”
Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”
And the bacteria says, “But we work here. We’re staph.”
ATMs should have breathalyzers
me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough
him: sorry, but—
m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?
h: *sighs, pours*
m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please
h: now may I go back to giving communion?
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.
Why is no one talking about this?
you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.
My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “