Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
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i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
i put “wake up” and “try to breathe” on my to-do list and long story short it’s 9:30am and guess who’s already had a productive day
Oh my god y’all. I watched a woman attempt to go through airport security with ten fully inflated helium birthday balloons. She kept shoving them into the conveyor belt to the scanner but they just kept popping back out like a cartoon. Yes this happened in florida.
YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut
My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.
hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell
I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
Dating someone that actually likes you is wild. Like, what do you mean this person wants me around? And tries to get to know me? And asks what my blood type is? Or if I have both kidneys? Or if I wanna fly out & meet them alone in an abandoned hospital? It’s nice to feel wanted.
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??
FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.
im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it
16- *getting ready for work* I have a job now so I’m basically an independent adult
Me- Your pants are inside out
GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.
Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried
[watching christmas movie]
Me: who’s your favorite character?
Daughter: I like the grinch.
Me: but he’s the bad guy.
Daughter: maybe he stole Christmas only cause they wrote that really mean song about him first.
Me:
Daughter: maybe whoville had it coming.
POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose
What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???
Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.
Moving on.
☠️☠️☠️
Valentine’s Day is *not* the most romantic day of the year; the winter solstice is, because it gives you the most amount of time to spend with your vampire husband before the sun rises.