This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.
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Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement.
It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
“GO TO YOUR ROOM AND STAY THERE”
KID: *goes kicking and screaming*
TEEN: You can’t do this, I have plans tonight
ADULT: Thank you so much
My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.
[marketing meeting]
Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?
The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!
Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
6yo: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork medallions.
6: I HATE THOSE!
Me: I’ll give you $1000 if you can tell me what either pork or medallions are.
If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think
As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.
My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?
[Shopping]
Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.
Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.
[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this
We all have our pet causes.
“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
There are usually two types of merchants.
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car