Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
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The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
*nose hairs growing out of control
*buys tiny scissors
*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs
(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big
Me: Wanna go out on a date sometime?
Her: Sure, I’d love to
Me: Wtf is wrong with you
STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter
STEP 2: Receive email newsletter
STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life
“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??
in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.
Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?
Pastor: no
Me: rain down frogs?
Pastor: what the?
Me: plague them with locusts?
Pastor: NO
Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I’m running out of options here.
bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
me: which would you prefer
cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider
Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?
Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.
Me: And?
Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”
7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……
Me:….*shoe ready in hand*
Also me: you’re actually kinda cute
Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*
Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*