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pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET
Just got ejected from my son’s little league game for arguing with the ump. I didn’t really care about the call, I just got bored and needed an excuse to leave.
I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?
JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )
Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
the clam before the storm
Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.
Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
*goes back in time
*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know
I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits
One of the perks of using a wheelchair is that I can spin around when someone comes in the room and say “I’ve been expecting you.”
A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
Gang initiations from the Midwest be like “you have to eat the entire potato salad”
me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right[later at dinner]
Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine
Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….
…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless
A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.
MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit
amazing news for movie lovers. i have just RSVPed yes to a wedding where the only person i will know besides the bride and groom is my ex boyfriend
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?