So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?
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How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?
Doctor: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in my bed
OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.
3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!
Me: You ate all your chips.
3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.
Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.
Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)
If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you
Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.
Worth every penne.
My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣
I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.
My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes
Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.
[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]
Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.
Wife: You’re naked.
Me:
Wife:
Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.
I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.
Me: Could I plz continue watching the thing I was watching the last time I was on here
Hulu: Sure! ….if you can find it 😏
A jiffy is 1/100th of a second. No one has ever been back in a jiffy.