I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
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8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?
Me: I just did 438 sit ups.
8: sounds legit.
I’ve taught her well.
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading
Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
[on a first date]
Me: So do you like puppies?
Her: Oh I love them
Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies
Waiter: Excellent choice, sir
The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names
I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.
It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
Starbucks job interview:
“What’s your name?”
“Alyssa”
“Spell that please”
“L A R I S S A”
“When can you start?”
Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.
This box wine has subtle hints of 7-Eleven parking lot and poor decisions.
THEM: in 186 days an asteroid is going to collide with Earth
EVERYONE ELSE: *screaming*
ME: *deletes MyFitnessPal app*
NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
Perfection.
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?
I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.
13: can I play video games?
ME: yep
WIFE: nope
ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice
When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.