For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
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Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
[Police station]
Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”
Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”
Judge: did you go the wrong direction on the freeway
Me: what no
Judge: then who did
Me: bro literally everyone else
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*
My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.
Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.
please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.
What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.
Me: *tied up*
Guy: *hits my kneecap*
M: I’m not a rat!
G: Bring in her sworn enemy!
G2: *tosses Rubik’s Cube at me*
M: Oh god no! I’ll talk!
*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them
friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston
me: how are you doing this
friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.
[Swiss bank]
ME: I’d like to take out a loan
CASHIER: Okay, what kind?
ME: A tober
CASHIER: what?
ME: A toberloan
CASHIER: Are you trying to say Toblerone?
ME: …toberloan
*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
I’d like to apologize…
To anyone I have not offended.
I’ll be with you momentarily.
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
[On a first date]
Her: So, what’s your favorite food?
Me: Bacon
Her: Okay. Who’s your favorite actor?
Me: Bacon
Her: I see. Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Bakin’
Her: (Deep Sigh) What do you do for work?
Me: I bring home the…
Her: WAITER CHECK PLEASE!!!
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding