Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
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My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.
Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?
“I promise to defend you from a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion, but if it’s a werewolf attack, it’s every man for himself.”
“The bride has also written her own vows.”
2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*
Me: She has a baby in her tummy.
2: *whispering* She ate it.
Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
Me: they’re coming!
911: can you hide?
Me: they’ll find me!!
911: stay calm
Me: the door is opening…help!
“Mooom! We want a snack!!”
waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
My cat: *jumps up onto my lap, leans into me, purrs*
Me: *smiling at him* Aww! You’re adorable! So sweet!
My cat: *slaps phone out of my hand*
Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart
If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.
Your proctologist called. He found your head.
*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.
[at the vets]
ME: I think my chicken is refusing to lay eggs to spite me
VET: Your chicken is a cock
ME: Tell me about it
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.
I told my 2-year-old to find her shoes
She cupped her hands & yelled “Shoes, where are you?”
I’d help her, but I want to see if this works
Oh.
You have a boyfriendBut…
can he do this…( flexes flab )
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
33, Male, Jerusalem. You?
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”