[first date]
HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?
ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when
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*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”
Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
describing stardew valley
When a patron comes into the library the Saturday after Thanksgiving and asks “What’s the right way to cook a turkey,” I know I’m being asked not to provide practical information but rather to get involved in a heated family dispute
police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.
My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.
It’s a great way to meet chicks.
My neighbor is mowing his lawn.
There is snow on the ground.
[locks doors]
Omg 🤣
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
SPIDER-MAN: hold it right there, Chameleon
CHAMELEON: how’d u know it was me??
SM: ur disguised as Peter Parker
C: so?
SM: *starts sweating*
[first date]
Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.
Me: spelling bee.
Date: oh nice! do you still got it?
Me: b-e-e.
Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea
Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.
I checked.
I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.
Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?