“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
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Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.
Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide
People: lol nah
Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL
Me: wanna go cow tipping?
Other person: that sounds fun
*LATER*
Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy
Netflix: Should I play this movie?
Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second
Netflix: I’ll put it on
Me: I’m just literally reading what it is
Netflix: It’s playing 🙂
to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.
So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
I get it, crocs and socks are not sexy at all, but I wasn’t getting laid in tennis shoes either and this is ridiculously comfortable.
Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game
Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac
Me: I’m over it
[halftime, 2 beers later]
TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶
Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?
Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang
Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”
i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth**pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can’t even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm… yeah that explains it
*dancing with the stars*
*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*
me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!
*star wars*
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.
So I pulled down my pants.
Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁
Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
black phone good
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.
Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?
Me: That I’m here.
Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-
Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Don’t you have an office?
If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.