I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.
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Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —
[at restaurant on 1st date pretending not to be an eel]
Date: The wine is lovely great choice
Me: *helplessly slips off chair*
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
Him: *gets the handcuffs out*
Me: mmm, have I been naughty? *slow wink*
Cop: we’ll let the judge decide, eh?
Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs
7: Mom! Will you play Uno with me?? I already have it set up and I definitely didn’t look at the cards before!
Me: Well I’m convinced.
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
doctor: describe your average night
me: they wear suits of armor
doctor: no I mean at bedtime
me: they probably take it off
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?
OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?
Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]
Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM
Tired: Clapping when the plane lands
Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.
“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?
Okay hear me out.
I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.
I’d marry me
My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
M: Why are the crazies called insane instead of unsane?
Prosecutor: Number 3 is excused from jury duty.
M: *mumbles* works every time
OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
OBAMA: …
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus