Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
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Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
*struts into the new year
~ trips
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
[at seance]
Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.
Ghost Husband: I’m here.
Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.
Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”
To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri
MURDER HORNET: 2020 is my year
BRAIN-EATING AMOEBA: hold my contaminated tap water
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”
-Oh really? Why?
“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”
Bike is short for Bichael.
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey
chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
SPLOOT
My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.
ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.
So, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people
Dr. Dog: Would you be willing to donate your organs?
Patient: Yes.
Dr. Dog: And your bones?
Patient: My bones? Why?
Dr. Dog: (Drools) Just answer the question.
⚪️🟧🟢⚪️🟡
🟢⚪️⚪️🟡⚪️
🟡⚪️🟧⚪️🟢
🟧⚪️⚪️🟢🟡
⚪️🟢🟡⚪️🟧
🟡⚪️🟧⚪️⚪️
⚪️🟧⚪️🟡🟢
🟢⚪️🟡🟧⚪️
🟡⚪️⚪️🟢🟡
🟧🟢⚪️🟡🟢not wordle, just some fried rice ☺️
Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.
NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.
I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.