I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
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You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”
Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones
Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas
Him: You’re unbelievable!
Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?
I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.
Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??
doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet
patient: well what does it actually say
doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh
“Oh. Wow. Oh. Jeez. We didn’t think everyone was gonna bring a bag!” -airlines
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
my mom making me talk to relatives
I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me
The options really are this bad
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
me: I should go to sleep
my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.
my heart: everyone is mad at you.
my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.
*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth
The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.
ENTER PASSWORD
password
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
again
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
BANK EMPLOYEE: what if we stayed open later than 5:30?
CEO: that’s the dumbest shit i’ve ever heard
OTHER BANK EMPLOYEE: how bout a sign outside that displays the temperature 24/7
CEO: first of all, promoted
Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.
This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.
Rain chat:
“Did you hear the rain last night?”
“Yeah it kept me awake”
“Same! What time did you get to sleep?”
“I’m not sure. When did you?”
“About three I think but then it woke me up again”
“Same. I even went downstairs at one point”
“Yeah I should’ve done that”
There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.