Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
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5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!
Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed
5: I neeeeeeed one!
Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]
5: not there! On my arm!
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
this FaceApp is creepy af
For a while after my wife left me I found it really difficult to listen to any of ‘our’ songs. She’d taken the entire CD collection with her.
A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.
*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
Text: CMAO
Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”
That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.
MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess
why is every reddit relationships question like “i [F29] love my fiance [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his dump as ‘Mr. Hoskins’ and apologize to it. am i overreacting? our wedding is in 6 hours”
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.
Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck
*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*
In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down
Instead of using the same password everywhere, I use multiple variations of the same password where I replace one letter with a special character or number, add extra letters and so on
This is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being logged into by ME……😂😂
My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.