Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.
Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.
Finn was her brother.
Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.
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3% human
97% stress
Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF
GROOT: I am Groot.
TEACHER: I don’t know, can you?
GROOT: *Sigh* I am Groot.
TEACHER: Yes, you may.
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.
It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.
this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.
McDs: to recap, that is 6 McMuffins and 8 hash browns
Me: yep
McDs:. Great, give us a few minutes and we’ll bring it out to your family
Me: my what now?
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
[blind date]
Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit
Her: *looks*
Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*
So creative 😂
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”
If she says yes, you can sit where she was.
[during sex]
her: do you want to try a new position?
me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles
her: what
me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors
her: stop
While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.
*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer
911: omg
Me: omg
911: “an” murderer haha
Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish