If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
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*gets laser eye surgery*
“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”
I told you, that’s not what—
*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*
I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.
“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
haha nice!
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”
Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise
My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
Wife: My water broke!
Me: I’ll call the plumber
Wife: My baby’s coming!
Me: I’m sorry, since when is the plumber your “baby”?
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
the council will decide your fate
I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao
“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”
Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.
when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too
I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm
I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
Bruce Wayne could prevent so much more crime if he just used his vast fortune to buy up all the Gotham tri-state area abandoned chemical plants and dilapidated amusement parks.
PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…
*skydiving*
Jumper: Where’s your parachute?
Married Guy: Don’t need one
J: There’s no chance of survival
MG: Not trying to beat the odds
REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
Oh you’ve jumped out of an airplane? Well, I’ve run down the stairs in SOCKS, so I think we’re even