Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”
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It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
Yesterday my colleague called me a ‘laptop murderer’ because I cut my computer in half to make it more portable. Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
Cat 911: what’s your emergency
Cat: my human is bleeding to death!
911: stay calm. what happened
Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her
911:
Cat:
911: hahahaha
Cat: hahahaHA
Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
Fun fact: dinosaurs are divided into two main groups, “lizard-hipped” species like Apatosaurus and “bird-hipped” species like Stegosaurus
NOT FUN AT ALL fact: actual birds are considered lizard-hipped
[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
things I would say ALL THE TIME were I a Mysterious Widow:
-how terribly kind of you
-richard LOVED the water
-i can’t, i’m wearing gloves
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
Grabs intercom:
ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA, STAY HERE! WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS
Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.
MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.
If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
COW: Was I speeding?
COP: No
COW: Is it because I’m a c–
COP: It’s because you’re a cow.
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.
“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.
Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.
NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?
ME: No
NURSE: Do you do drugs?
ME: *sigh* No
NURSE: Are you sexually active?
ME: *just starts crying*
Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore
CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*
My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..