Chipotle server: Quackamole is extra
Me: lol, you said ‘quackamole’
Chipotle server [who is a duck]: Please don’t make fun of my quackcent
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One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.
Dogs “play sneeze” to show they’re playing and not being aggressive.
What better way to break the ice with your next eHarmony date?
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
A Black Mirror episode where you wake up and all TV & movie actors are Tom Hanks. In fact, everyone you know is now played by Tom Hanks. You go crazy and live out your life in an insane asylum. At your funeral, your rising soul looks down at your casket, where Tom Hanks lies dead
My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”
TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
”I wonder how long cake is good for before it goes stale?”
*I say to myself as I eat the last slice from a cake made earlier that day
Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
boss: i’m always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.
I don’t know how many capes and tutus are the maximum one person should own; I just know my daughter doesn’t want to discuss it.
Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
Bill is short for Billiam
I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.
HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?
ME: *lifts visor* Just me.
Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts!
Happy Halloween 🎃
“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”
*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE
I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please
Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”
Me: “So how does that make you feel?”
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
coworker: you’re 37? you look younger
me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth
coworker: ha ha *leaves*
demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you
me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut
demon: ooo get a maple bar