These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
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Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.
I don’t think the milf next door watches enough porn. She asked for help with her sink. It’s been 20 minutes, we’re still fixing the sink.
Me: it hit me completely out of the grey
Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?
Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes
My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.
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Me: Same
ME: mom we’re out of eggs again!
MOM: it’s ok, there’s cereal
[later]
ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor’s house* this sucks
I haven’t been invited to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner since 12 years ago when I put pepper on my mom’s mashed potatoes without trying them first.
Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…
Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.
Single Men say: Yes
Married Men: Try to hide
Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
(before sex)
*sings national anthem
Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.
Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
The sequel to The Sound of Music starts with Maria and Capt. Von Trapp, cold and hungry, huddled together in the middle of the Alps making a list of the order in which to eat the children.
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
Come back after dark. Bring your friends
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
He tweets.
Congress now sees where balls are located.
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.
It’s a Rome ants novel.
You: “Call me crazy but..”
Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”