How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
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This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
I was in line at the bank when a man got pulled from the queue and escorted out by security, just for having sleeve tattoos depicting flames.
Apparently they don’t allow fire arms in the building.
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.
Apocalypse 101: Don’t befriend the cool looking guy with a bunch of guns. Go with the one who knows how to tie knots, and can tell which plants are poisonous.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳
“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.
*screaming at the smoke alarm*
DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???
Here’s a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender it’s called “Yogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wall” and a one and a two
HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk
I’m “My dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the family” years old.
Hollywood’s obsession with hacking scenes in movies made me woefully overestimate how many elevators I’d have to “hack” as a programmer
Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.
me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he’d go into people’s houses uninvited and have them drink his blood
my therapist: again, it’s not technically wrong but I’m concerned you have diagrams