Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
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Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road
Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!
Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?
I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.
Espresso Patronum!
– Me warding off morning people
My Obgyn suggested I cut carbs to maintain a healthier pregnancy weight.
Frankly, I’d rather cut the Obgyn.
A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
Hot Hot Hot
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:
“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”
*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*
Me: We are a team.
Husband: Yes.
Me: We are in this together.
Husband: OK.
Me: It’s you and me.
Husband: Sure. But are we watching this whole show together, or am I going to find you’re 2 seasons ahead of me by next week?
Me: Us against the… Yes, that’s going to happen.
We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.
You can’t explain children. You just survive them.
noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?
noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room
And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.