Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.
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How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
Free will was a mistake.
I should have charged for it.
Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.
I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.
I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, “Uh oh.”
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.
An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
[moving her panties to the side]
HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.
Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”
GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.*12 hours later*
GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.
Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”
[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]
Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.
Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.
Me : Really?
Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):
what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money
Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.
Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?
Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”