When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.
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To provide better customer service, we’ve put a chat bot on our site to make sure you’re hung in an infinite loop without solving the problem, buried our phone number, & staffed our phone lines with people who follow a notebook flow chart before dropping your call
–companies
9 has decided to write a book called “True facts about idiot humans”
And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about her source of information
I’m not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to “I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE”. Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.
[interviewing Matt Damon]
Matt: Well, in this movie I play-
Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
me before getting into birding: OMG SHUT UP BIRDS IT’S 5AM
me now: OMG SHUT UP CAROLINA WRENS, INDIGO BUNTINGS, AND TUFTED TITMICE IT’S 5AM
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.
my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination
“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”
My mom just told me that one of her coworkers taught a first grader who spoke in a British accent
Which isn’t that weird at all—until you take into account that his parents are from here, they have no accents & their son somehow adopted an entire dialect from watching Peppa Pig
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
“How did your
*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*
favorite sports team do in their
*looks down again*
sporting contest today?”
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got…toe-jam football, he got…monkey finger, he shoot…Coca-Cola
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: what
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please
Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo