Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
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5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
My wife said we need to go buy some more mulch for the garden. I’m just going to take the kids to the playground instead. When we get home I’ll empty out their pockets and we’ll have enough wood chips to cover the entire garden.
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
“siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a potato clock
“no siri the TIME 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a tomato clock
“si…”
u bought 100 eggs
They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
I love the difference between dog and cat rescue stories. dog owners will be like oh I prepped for months and applied and had a home check then did a foster to adopt trial period and then the rescue chose me! and cat owners are like .. I found him in the trash
1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.
mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!
[20 years later]
mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination
I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.
my gf left me cuz i’m insecure
never mind she’s back she went pee
Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee
Friend: What’s that you’re reading?
Me: “How to Lose Weight By Eating Anything You Want”
Friend: Wow! If you don’t mind my asking, how much have you lost?
Me: $24.99.
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”
you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now