Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”
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I鈥檇 use my best pan on you.
Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket
oh ffs josh did you not read the email
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I鈥檒l take the job
Willy Wonka:
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.
Me: I can never tell what girls want
Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.
Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?
*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 馃ス
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
son: I hate my name
me: but you’re named after your grandpappy
son: I still hate it
me: now look here Grandpappy Tanaka
“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.
I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
genie: you have three wishes
me: nightvision goggles
genie: dope
me: the only pair on the planet
genie: many people will be affected
me: now kill the sun
genie: dude
My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him