Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!
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Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
i have one speed and it’s mosey
The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
*shaking fist, cursing my blood enemies* May it rain hard on your school poster project due date. And…and…May your magic marker block letters run!
WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???
Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*
Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.
The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
Saw your ex at the shops
*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*
ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
great now I have to die before I can get a hot dog
“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant
A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.
Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
I put the p in pants.
[texting]
Me: meet me at 8 sharpKid: what if I feel salient instead?
Me: just be on time
Kid: or acuminate, maybe cuspidated
Me: are you playing with the thesaurus on your phone again?
Kid: indubitably
Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone
My phone: Yeah, you crack me up
advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”