To increase profits, commercial airlines need to bring back legroom and snacks then start painting the planes really crazy because nobody wants to miss their chance to fly in a giant meatball sub with batwings.
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I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think
“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
[Entomologist Meeting]
Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?
Guy who named the fly: A crawl?
G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?
Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!
I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?
Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?
Friend: No.
Me: Then, no.
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.
Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion.
Totally ruined Grandpa’s 90th birthday.
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
Boss: you look a bit lost
Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you
Boss: About what
Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening
In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.
“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.
If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?
[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
Him: I got in a fender bender, coming out of the grocery store.
Me: Everything’s intact?
Him: I’m fi…
Me: Chips, cookies, stuff like that?
So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe