I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
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Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
Parenting through the years:
1st kid: Organic food only
2nd kid: “McDonald’s once in a while isn’t so bad.”
3rd kid: “Did he just eat dog food? I’m sure he’s fine.”
Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.
[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudokuOTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku
ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy
If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.
So I peed on her
One of these days I will remember I’m wearing a mask before trying to shove a straw in my mouth to drink something but today is not that day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling
No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*
Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.
This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”
*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win
My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?
ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch
8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?
[ First day as a bartender ]
Me: *unzips customers pants*
Him: wtf!?
Me: you said make it stiff
I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs
My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out