My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.
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ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)
I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos
Going to the dentist for a teeth cleaning. Should I put them in a fancy box or will a Ziploc baggie be ok? Also, not all of them are human teeth, some I happened upon randomly. Can I still get those cleaned? Sorry, don’t mean to be weird, I’m just excited for my first time!!
me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?
therapist: i’m all ears
me: *screaming*
If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.
[hanging out in my basement]
Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.
Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
Don’t forget to wear your lip gloss so you can constantly pick hair out of it and any flying debris you may collect throughout the day.
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*
Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
[visiting America]
Me: Popeye’s? He’s that spinach eating health nut isn’t he?
America: sure is
Me: oh hell yeah, finally a salad for lunch
America: lmao nope
ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time
If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”
detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.
Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.
15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule
I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.
These work great until they don’t.
Me: Remember, you’re grounded today.
8-year-old: Why?
Me: For what you did last night.
8: You were supposed to forget about that.