*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*
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It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.
I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?
Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?
*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
I say I want a gf but I don’t even know what I’d do with one. Do you just kiss her and leave her alone in a corner? How often does it eat?
Why do all the famous lady ghosts have all these salacious stories fueling their haunt? I promise If I’m a famous lady ghost when I die, I’m not going to steal your man or your baby. I’m just going to pet your dog.
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
Her, 4: I want a baby! New baby sister? Or brother?
Me: We can’t have another baby. You would need a new daddy for mommy to have another baby
Her: New cat?
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath**heads toward buffet*
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.
The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.
HER: [parallel parking] i’m so bad at this
HIM: you should probably get tested
HER: lol it’s not that bad
HIM: i have chlamydia
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
*getting kidnapped in the grocery store parking lot*
PLEASE JUST LET ME PUT MY CART BACK FIRST
Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It
take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears