Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
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I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.
Daughter: what do you call a T-Rex with sleep apnea?
Me: no idea.
Daughter: a Dinosnore : )
Me: [sniff].
Daughter: are you crying?
Me: I’m just so proud of you.
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.
I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.
I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.
jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this
j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
[Lounging in hot tub]
Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”
Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back
I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!
Me: I want ice cr-
Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?
Hey, fellas
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you’re having them for dinner
Coffee for people with no kids
You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey
Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds
Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.