I got pulled over for speeding just outside Atlanta. The cop asked why I was in town, I said to do stand up, he asked me to tell him a joke, I told a really dirty one, he didn’t give me a ticket. Honestly, one of my all-time highest paid stand up gigs!!!
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Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.
Me: So after this Imma call you my stentist.
Cardiologist: Ok so no surgery for you.
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.
I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
[inventing napkin dispensers]
bob: it has 2 settings
exec: ok
bob: 1 at a time
exec: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
exec: first of all I love it
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Re-enacting Noah’s Ark.
W: How?
M: I’m gonna try to fit 2 of every animal cracker in my mouth.
W: Idiot.
M: Mmmrrf.
No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’
wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy
Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.
I hate when people say “next time you’re in my neck of the woods”
omg this isn’t the prairie Laura, you live across from a Starbucks
My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’
That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.
Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN
Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.