My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
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There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.
My kids have apparently started a neighborhood rock washing business, they stick them in their pockets, I unknowingly put them through the machine and they come out all shiny on the other end
[NASA job interview]
Interviewer: So it says on your résumé, Mars 2006-2013. Wow!
Me: Yes, then I had five years at Cadbury’s and I’m currently at Nestlé.
Interviewer: Get out.
When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.
The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.
No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
No sweetie, you can’t have your giant chocolate bunny for breakfast, that’s not healthy and also mommy ate it for dinner last night.
WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF
Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”
My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
How it started How it’s going
If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”
There are some “IDIOTS” in this world, That Always Reply “NO” to every question we ask them….
now tell me, Are you one of Them?
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic
this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.
You know what? I’m sick of your attitude.
*Unfrenches your fries*
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
[restaurant]
RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg
WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you’re not from around here, are you?
RACCOON: t-two eggs?
WAITER: ah yes, that’s a normal quantity of eggs
RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs!
WAITER: *eyes narrow*