Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
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“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”
If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.
The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost
Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.
Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
Spring of Deception
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.
me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.