A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time
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Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
Sing it!
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
What the hell happened here.
as a kid: i have to save up for this toy
as an adult: i have to save up for this rent
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya
GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro
My 6-year-old is always asking me about how I got bitten by a bear when I stuck my hand in a bear cage as a little girl and it becomes increasingly embarrassing to correct him every time and say that I was in fact a big girl.
Adult. I was an adult.
If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that
“Australia is the smallest planet”
– first day of school already paying off
Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!Son: Aw I wanted candy
Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
You can’t rush stupid.
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.
Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.
“I’m ONE PERSON trying to hold this whole house together!” my husband hollers in frustration as the kids flee back to the tv, abandoning him with the collapsing gingerbread house.
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp