That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner
You Might Also Like
With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.
Choose your own adventure:
S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P
Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?
Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.
My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*
A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26
Me: No work tomorrow so I’m sleeping in.
Kids: LOL
Dog: LOL
Brain: LOL
Bladder: LOL
I don’t want to say that my fiancé is controlling.. it’s more that she’s BEAUTIFUL GUYS I HAVE TO GO
I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
14: How do you feel about people of color?
Me: What do you mean? The same I feel about everyone.
17: But you hate everyone.
14: Wow. Just flat out being racist at the dinner table.
Me: Please shut up.
Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.
Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.