This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
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[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now
[Donald Trump’s election speech]
“America, I have only 1 thing to say”
*pulls off wig & mask revealing Ashton Kutcher*
“YOU’VE BEEN PUNK’D”
If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.
I heard a girl at the bar last night drunkenly ask the bartender “what’s the closest drink you guys have to a chicken nugget.”
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.
*bugs bunny*
bunny: stop bothering me
I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.
ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile
HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.
[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.
Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore
Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.
4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?
Me: So they can buy stuff.
4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?
She’s a criminal mastermind.
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
LOL SO my hospital made us sign in via a virtual survey for our orientation day and they had a question “what is your ‘why’ you’re a healthcare worker” and I put “paycheck” and I DIDNT KNOW THEY WOULD LATER PUT ALL OUR ANSWERS ON THE POWERPOINT
Waiter: pumpkin pie?
Me: ok, …. darling