I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house
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They’re really bad with fonts.
*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm
Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.
Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.
I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
I own 2 crabs. One is happy and the other is grumpy. The happy one is crab A.
The grumpy one is crab B.
I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.
hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register
Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
Daughter: Daddy, I can’t sleep.
Me: *gets warm milk* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *reads a book* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *starts to sing*
D: *fake sleeps so I’ll stop*
Me: Man, I should have started with that.
Next week my wife and I are going to Chicago to celebrate our anniversary. If you are around, want to meet and catch up, please let me know so I can avoid you.
My wife and I will be sleeping.
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.
Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!
I like how people say “travel safely” like I’m the one flying the plane.
If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
Choose your fighter
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!