Hey kid.. don’t let your mom tell you that you need to wait an hour after eating to go swimming. I used to eat Philly cheesesteaks IN the pool. Everything is fine.
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Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
Boss: Can I speak to you about your recent insubordination?
Me: I don’t know, CAN you?
*High-fives high school English teacher*
Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.
Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
“HOW” – dyslexic owl
If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process
My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.
I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..
Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat
Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.
“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?
dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor
I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
[ First day as a bartender ]
Me: *unzips customers pants*
Him: wtf!?
Me: you said make it stiff
When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
*first date*
Haha yeah I’m a pretty laid back guy*third date*
AnD THAT IS WHY YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT DONKEYS MOTIVATIONS IN SHREK.. figHT ME AMANDA
The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia