Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
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*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
☺️
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her
Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
[pet store]
Me *looking at snakes*
“CAN I FEED THEM?”
Pet Store Employee [never looks up from his phone] sure.
Me *putting my kids in tank*
*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimpleMy fingers: so we did a thing
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.
Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards
My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT
haha remember when I was in charge of a children’s birthday party at the pottery studio I worked at and I kicked things off by saying “alright it’s jenna’s sixth birthday, pretty impressive she’s made it this far…”
Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”
I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water
Bank robber: everyone get down now!
me *starts dancing frantically*