Overused phrases I hope I never hear again:
1. At the end of the day
2. It is what it is
3. Think outside the box
4. Get your ducks in a row
5. Please sir, you’re making a scene
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Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]
me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes
Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.
commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today
me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression
*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock
I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
– Boss, we’re out of hands. Should we give the penguins wings?
– We’re short on wings too. Give them this.
– But that’s neither wings nor hands.
– Not our problem.
5yo to 3yo: Clean up these Legos or I won’t get to play on my iPad.
Yeah, my 5yo is gonna do great in middle management.
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
Doctor: If it gets worse, who should we notify?
Liam Neeson: Next of Kin.
Doctor: It shouldn’t come to that, though. How are you feeling today?
Liam Neeson: High Spirits.
Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
North and South
Still cracks me up
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.
[In the car]
4 year-old: What’s this song called?
Me: “Don’t Speak.”
[10 minutes of silence later]
Me: You alright buddy?
4: Yeah you said don’t speak.
Guys, I did it. I found the Holy Grail of parenting.
If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.
Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?
1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
Found a free bandaid at the pool.
[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
I’m working from home. But as a bartender.