Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
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My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it’s filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?
[on a date]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”
[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
– Lift doors shutting as someone approaches
– “Tickets please”
– “It’s 3 for 2 if you want to go get another one”
– Doorbells
[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]
DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole
CONTESTANT: what?
[hole opens in the ground]
I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years
son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?
dad: sure, I’ll join you.
son: should we watch them back to back?
dad: no side by side probably works better.
We Didn’t Start the Fire is a great song for many reasons, but one of the most underrated is, like all great history projects, it starts off super detailed & thorough until you realize it’s due the next day & you end up condensing 1963-1989 into like two stanzas
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
Him: this pie is delicious! Is it a family recipe?
Me: yes, and you’ll never guess the secret weapon
Him: you mean secret ingredient?
*catapult launching sound*
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.
FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?
TYLER: Shaving cream.
MARK: Shaving cream.
ME: Pay off his student loans.
[they all look at me]
ME: I mean shave him.
Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat
A local supermarket.
A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”
The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.
Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
I’ll take Manly Men for $500, Alex.
“Answer. These booklets of pages are a pointless waste of time.”
What are instructions?
“Correct.”
Agent: I have a script for you.
Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?
Agent: Yes.
Radcliffe: I’ll do it.
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension